I am my mother’s daughter.

Heart shattering!
So much of this movie reminds me of my mother and, looking back, how irretrievably broken her heart must have been. She never spoke about the cause of it, but I suspect it was a big hit. I remember her self-soothing with food, impulsive shopping, and random partners, only to beat herself up for doing so. I can recall watching her stare off into the distance, tears welling up in her eyes. I was angry at every one back then, so I didn’t see that this was her despair. She must’ve always hoped that this time, she was turning a corner. Yet, she never did.
In the end, she settled and reunited with my dad; because he was comfortable, because he suppressed the quiet. He was better than being alone. Life had sucked from her, all that it could take. One day, she sat in a wheelchair and just gave up her fight. She was just fifty-eight when she died, 6 years older than I am now. For years, I could never reconcile why she just surrendered. It was always my greatest fear to be like my mom. It petrified me to think that I might struggle with her same issues. Pretty harsh, to think that I once worried about being fat like her, as if it were the only thing that defined her. I never gave thought to why she had gotten so big or so withdrawn.
Watching this, it dawned on me, that I am my mother’s daughter. Here I sit, in a place that I don’t want to be, with a roommate to break the silence, right down the hall. Here I sit, settled just like my mom grappling the same darkness. There is this gaping wound inside that will just not heal. It just keeps oozing darkness no matter what I do. It continues to consume me. I could not help but sob through most of the movie as my heart felt its reality. I’ve tried to fill the holes too. It began with alcohol at the age of fifteen, then escalated to random partners, marriages that I knew weren’t good for me, and geographic moves to anywhere but where I was. Nothing has ever pacified the demons, at least, not for very long. My greatest fear is no longer that I might be like my mom. My greatest fear is that I might die like her. Empty inside. I fear that one day I too, will sit in a wheelchair and just give up. 🥺