How do you heal?

People keep telling me to hang in there and follow God. Which God? The one that stole away everything that made me smile? How tragic is this life that you’re supposed to believe in a deity that would cut you to your core by stealing away those that mean the most to you.
I hate this time of year. I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas. It meant family and loved ones but all I can feel is that there will be two empty chairs at my table. There will be two less embraces to feel as I bring in the New Year.
Sometimes, just to close my eyes is a chore because I know, sooner or later, the dreams will come and all the steps forward that I’ve taken towards healing will suddenly fold beneath my feet when I wake. They seem so real, so comforting, so filling to my heart. I heard my little Ethan’s giggle and felt his smile light up the room and then I awoke; heartbroken and empty.
Everything to live for and nothing to live for. It is an everyday struggle not to strike out at those closest. There is so much anger and hurt and sadness. You walk around hoping that you don’t explode because even though they don’t get it, you can’t bear to be without the only light you see in your darkness. You can’t say anything to them because they don’t understand. The words that come out of their mouths sometimes infuriate you because you think to yourself, if you knew, you would be dead inside too.
You want to love them, you try so hard but nothing they do is ever enough so you feel like they don’t try or they don’t try hard enough and the anger and frustration builds up again. How do you fix it? How do you heal? I see so many people I know that have walked in my shoes and they are living. I feel like I’m just existing and it is killing me. I want to feel like they do. I want to smile and actually feel it. I want to breathe without wanting to die. I don’t want to pretend that everything is enough when nothing is enough.