FIVE years ago, in the middle of all those that “loved” me, I never felt more invisible.

I took my niece and nephew to the beach recently and while waiting in line for ice cream, I was talking to this lady. She told me she, too, had lost her daughter 26 years ago. When I asked her if it gets easier she said, no..because after that, you have more compassion. I just listened in awe as she explained things in detail to me.
It’s true, you know. Everything hurts way more. You actually FEEL more after you lose a child. Emotions become so much more intense and things like being ignored or treated insignificant steal away your desire to even breathe.
The hopelessness inside when your head is overwhelmed, well..it’s like watching an old reel movie as it melts on a screen and you reach out for help but call, after call remains unanswered and you feel even more hopeless; often to the point where as you’re driving your car, you hope for a collision that you don’t walk away from because you realize your only significance died with your son and to the world, you’re nobody, even to those who are supposed to be the closest to you.
You sit in wonder at how, after losing your child, you can’t imagine that someone would ever hurt you just as deeply but they do. In your mind, you realize that in reality, that person did nothing wrong but even worse, that person saw you suffering and did nothing .
All you want is for someone to say, 'you matter' and to really mean it. Your heart can’t take any more lip service or arbitrary interaction and as you close your eyes at night, you find yourself in the same place you were when your child took his last breath..wishing you could take yours because your child left you with such a loving heart and noone left in the world to share it with. Not friends, not family, not a significant other. With each disappointment, I find myself sinking deeper and deeper; watching the world in a blur as I sit there...ignored and insignificant..wishing for a reprieve and desperately holding out for one.